| Blood is thicker |
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| 07:36am 20/10/2008 |
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mood:  cold
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Over the past few months, I have had frustration building inside of me--not to the point where you see it every day, or that I'm incapable of smiling--but its always on my mind, and it always surfaces everyday. I am tired and I am ready. But I am so tired and disillusioned that I'm not currently sure whether or not I would have the pluck I needed to fight to get what I wanted.
I have sent out my letters, typed up a million new resumes, bought the stamps, found the elusive references phone numbers, I graduated with two degrees, at the top of my class, with all of the bells and whistles wrapped around my neck as I walked across that stage. And yet still, I'm waiting--and growing more frustrated.
I appreciate my parents feeding me and still providing for me now that I am out of school and still searching for my grown-up job. I have a pretend job now, thanks to a friend, but it still stresses me out in a way--my $7.25 an hour marketing job. But living at home again wears on a person pretty quickly. The lack of privacy, the lack on my familiar surroundings and schedule and freedom. My hours have gotten to the point where the truly exhaust me, although I'm not entirely sure why.
And as always, there are other things that sneak in there. I am at a point in my life where I thought (in days past) that I would know everything. I would know where I would be, what I would be doing, what I would be making, how I felt about things. But what I have come to find, in this limbo that I have been waiting in for a couple of months now--is that I know absolutely nothing about the future. I know, eventually, I will get there. I might wake up one day and then just realize, oh wait, I'm here--or maybe there will be that moment where I get that job and think--this is it, this is the beginning of it. And then..after that...maybe I'll just know.
"Just know" the thing that has been spouted out of the months of a billion people this past month. I envy the use of that word, but at the same time, I can't help but look at the majority of those people and shake my head and think, No. You have no idea. You can't just know. I hope that you can't just know.
I have been waiting for this job to allow other things to answer themselves. The who what when where why and how's of life. I had envisioned myself jogging with the puppy along the downtown streets of Chattanooga on a cold morning. Maybe I had envisioned it too strongly, because I told myself that once I got settled, once I got a real schedule, I could start figuring out how to make my post-college life and goals work. I wanted to get back to exercising, eating healthy, feeling good--but I had it in my head to wait until I had something solid. Now maybe this was just my way of excusing the gym for a couple of months...but I found, in my hiatus, that I had completely forgotten everything in that time. I was eating whatever, whenever, and not caring--and that's not like me either. I have gotten to this pause in my life, and I'm getting worn out being here.
And I don't know anything. I don't KNOW any of the newspaper lead questions. I don't even honestly know what I want anymore.
I know that I'm going to get there--but I need a break in the clouds. It has been awhile since I saw the silver lining and felt really good. I realize it, because in one small moment, after receiving my first decent paycheck at my pretend job, I felt proud and happy for just one second, and I thought, that's been absent for awhile, without my knowledge.
Times like these make me look at myself and my surroundings and wonder what it is that I want and where it is that I fit. Or if I will change so much in my 20's that fitting will work just fine in one place for awhile, and then I'll have to find another spot.
I know that I want to get out and see different things. I know that I want to put some distance between myself and some negativity that I have felt brewing for sometime now. I know that I want to try it, making my money, paying my rent, achieving something that I really want. So there. There are the things that I KNOW. |
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| The Post-College Blues |
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| 12:27pm 25/06/2008 |
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mood:  frustrated
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This sort of thing always happens. You get a taste of summer...and its delicious. You're taking vacations, sleeping late, planning dinners, seeing some old friends, and lazing about the house in pajamas until noon. It's all great. Then suddenly, one day, completely out of nowhere (though, now it's certain that this sensation has been building for some time) you realize that you have cabin fever. The potential to do absolutely anything (or nothing) on absolutely any day somehow become...tiring? Suddenly, you wish you had to be some place doing something at some point. Namely, making money.
My brothers and sisters--recent college grads alike, the unemployed masses: I feel that it is time for a change. The most commonly heard phrase nowadays is: you're graduating at a very hard time. The ECONOMY is just bad.
But here comes my complaint, one that I am sure everyone has: Every job application at least favors experience. But here's the catch 22: in order to gain experience, I'm gonna be needing a job. One does not come without the other--so why should we be judged by not having the experience part covered yet. I'm fresh out of college. Sorry I don't have a year or more anchoring experience. Sorry I don't have four or more years of producing experience.
My biggest problem with the entire set-up, is that it makes me feel as thought I have slacked my way through college--while as the truth is, I did not. I had multiple jobs and positions. I worked long late hours. I know how to do a lot more than a lot of the people who will and have been hired before or instead of me. I feel as though those of us who did not know what we wanted to do from the moment we came into college are being punished for experimenting with other possibilities. It leads me to question: if I had just immediately started working in the television station instead of trying the radio station or the documentary department or University Programs. Why are we punished for what we didn't even know.
My argument and main defense: Give me a shot to get some experience and I'll give you something very worth your time. |
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| When the clock turns to 2 in the edit bay.... |
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| 01:45am 28/04/2008 |
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mood:  determined
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Boys and girls, the time has come for a bedtime story. Now I'm going to warn you in advance, because it is a little frightening at times...but everyone will tell you that the story will have a happy ending. (after all, you're fabulous and talented, and those kinds of stories always have happy endings)
This story is called, "The clock struck 2 in Final Cut Pro."
Let's begin.
It was a dark and stormy night. Rain had finally graced the small city of Tuscaloosa, and now coated it in thick and unforgiving sheets. Our lovely heroine raced to her car, her professional blonde locks swept under an old Alpha Chi Omega (old school...) windbreaker to protect her from the icy rain. She drove through the slick streets....searching for something. The pavement glittered in the streetlight, beckoning her onward towards a solitary building, framed by what looked to be a Grecian battle arena. She stepped inside the solitary building, out of sheer wonderment. But it was at that moment that everything went horribly wrong! You see children, the young woman became trapped inside a labyrinth of doors labeled: Alabama Public Radio, and WVUA. She stumbled into one well-lit room, filled with the cheerful hum of Mac computers, thinking that there could be no safer place in this building. Unfortunately, she was wrong. Many hours later, she found herself still trapped in that same room. She stared into those Mac screens, mesmorized.
The girl had been drawn here for a reason. And very suddenly, that reason was all too clear. The girl had reached a certain time in her life when things were expected of her--namely, the time when she would venture away from her family and make her own place in the world. The girl felt very afraid, but she knew what she must do. She must lock herself away in that edit bay...stare at those screens, cringe at the sound of her own voice played back to her, and edit using Final Cut Pro. Truly, children, there are few worse ways to spend one's entire evening, so you can understand the girl's horror. Perhaps jail would be worse, but the girl had begun to think that jail might not be so bad at this point.
But still, she continued on. Cutting, fading, booming the volume, and lowering it: for this girl had a mission. She desired a resume tape that would be worthy of the highest honor that could be bestowed on a girl such as herself. She desired a job.
And children, this is where the story gets truly terrifying. The girl, our hero, only had two weeks until she would graduate--that is to say, she would find herself cast from the Peter Pan fairy tale into the worth of "grown ups." And not only that, if that wasn't horrible enough, she would also find herself...without insurance.
So surely, you can understand the sense of urgency. Some day the girl sits there, in that same chair...to this day, staring at the computer screen, waiting for her dvds to burn. |
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| 12:02am 01/04/2008 |
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I'm having a familiar bout of nostalgia. I'm fairly certain that it will past, because I already came to some realizations about the past awhile ago. But tonight I had a moment in memory and it made me a little sad. I don't know what happened to some of those old friendships. There seems to be some anger there...otherwise it would be easier just to talk on occasion. But it seems like I'm the only one who really wants to...and that never works out. There are two that really stand out...and whether or not they know who they are, I miss them and talking to them. If there is anger between us, I wish it was gone. If there is just nothing between us anymore, then I guess I should just let it go. I decided that at Christmas...and I feel a little sad thinking about old friends tonight for whatever reason. I feel very fondly towards all of you. I hope that if we cannot be friends, we can at least be fond. |
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| Teacher evaluations |
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| 12:04pm 12/03/2008 |
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Ladies and Gentlemen,
I regret to inform you that the bitch of the season has reared her ugly head. (Oh...I'm sorry...was that a cliche?) It surprises me (I'm sorry...am I directly referencing to myself? What was I thinking...when you are reviewing something...you never actually acknowledge the 'you' part. Silly me) that I did not lurking presence until this point in the semester--though perhaps I should have: (OH MY GOD! A COLON! UNHEARD OF! THE ONLY THING WORSE COULD BE A....NOOO...DON'T DO IT....NOT A...SEMICOLON!) considering that wavy red hair--which should have been cut off once she reached 40, though it does give her the appropriate Satanic aura (Mother of God...I just used a dash. Grammer hell, here I come) and that peace sign that she wears everyday around her neck should have bene a clear sign that she was actually, not a peaceful person. The way I see it...if you have to wear the symbol around your neck, you're letting a piece of jewelry do your talking, not your actions. Aren't you a proponent of SHOW not TELL? I though we talked about that today...sorry about that. (Oh my god, I referenced myself again...I am a terrible writer...terrible...bad girl...bad English major!)
You may be asking yourself (so that you can be sure to lock your doors and windows;;;;;;;;;;;;;ha ha) who this mysterious newly found bitch of sorts (and like like like like like) is. (Yes, I ended in a preposition. Eat it). (period outside of the parenthesis). (And again.)
Well her name is "Anal" and it is fitting, for that is what she is. (preposition, again.)
Actually, that's not fair...and perhaps its a cliche. Her name is Bragg. And she is a history of mass communications professor.
And I have decided to make her my least favorite professor of the semester. Every semester has one...I don't know how she'll stand up to Teddy Worobytz of last semester, but I'm looking forward to seeing what she brings to the table. (Damn cliches, nothing about me is at all original.)
My complaints, though they may be exaggerated, are legit. Welcome to my final semester at the University of Alabama. As things stand, I should be slated to graduate Cum Laudi, at least (and if this woman's class keeps me from that....uuuuuuh) as a Telecommunication and Film major, and an English major. This class, this;;;;;;history of mass communications class (I love ;'s!) has a writing requirement--we do scattered writings throughout the class and in the end we will have a research paper about some thing mass communications related through a period of history--bout 8-10 pages worth.
We turned in a book review of a book that we were required to read as the first part of this big research paper project. I had to turn the paper in early due to a trip that I was taking, so I must have missed some of her anal guidelines. As I said, I am a senior in my final semester of college. Throughout all of college and highschool I have used ONE type of citation/style format. Ladies and gentlemen, do you have a guess as to what this format is? That's right! MLA format. I don't exactly love it, I dont' exactly live by it--but for the past 8 years, it's been all about the MLA.
Well not for Bragg. Of course not!!! In this last semester at the University...let's be special! Let's be different! Let's be the only class to every make us use...oh...what the hell...Chicago Style for writing papers!
So...on my last paper...I had 8 points counted off because my title page wasn't formatted correctly. That's 8 points kids. That didn't even tackle all of the issues that she has with semicolons...
Chicago Style for those who are not familiar with it (and I just took a quick poll of University students who regularly incoporated Chicago styles in their papers/knew what it was and the answer came up that...shockingly...no one interviewed did...) looks a little something like this: (COOOOOOOOOOOLON!)
Book Review of: The Best Book Ever!
The Student's Name
Professor Anal
MC whatever
March, the whateverth, 2006
So...that was pretty much 8 points out for me. I don't know...to me, it seems like a bit much.
This is only a silly little suggestion...but it would have been cool if she had given us back these papers before the next one was due...I mean, is it just me? And she gives us this lecture this..."Guy's...I really thought that you knew what you were doing, but I see now that you didn't. I was kind of disappointed when I didn't see any improvement...so...I don't know what to do, you're just going to have to fix it."
Hmmm...mmkay, two papers down the drain...got it now!
And here's another little thing that's always amused me...a bibliography for a book review...in which...we only find sources from...you guessed it, that ONE book. I'm just not too sure about all that.
And here's the thing guys, she tells us, "Some of you did really well." I would like to put up the opinion that maybe...those people that did well...just happen to have a similar writing style to dear Bragg's. Because my writing style typically incorporates colons...and semicolons...and occasionally questions....and sometimes I'll use dashes...and apparently, my grammatical style is terrible (according to Bragg...not any of my English professors...) for that. I think that the only way to get by in this class is to rid oneself (another term we are not allowed to use, the idea of "One") of any sort of style of their own...actually...no...any style other than Bragg's.
So goodbye semicolons, colons, questions marks, exclaimation points, dashes, the use of I (which I don't commonly use anyway...unless I am directly asked my opinion about something...but apparently, it's not cool when that happens either), the use of "one" as in: One could come to understand the use of advertisements in newspapers..., MLA style.
Hello Chicago style...hello bibliographies for everything....hello simple sentence structure to avoid the use of commas, etc.
I'm pissed off with this woman because she is a history professor that has gone grammer crazy on us. I didn't realize that I signed up for a high school grammer class. It seems to me that the point that we make through our research should carry more weight than the "stylistic errors" that occur throughout the piece. I definitely support sentences having structure and making sense. I support spell check. I support siting your material. But I swear to god if I see any more blue on one of my papers following by these questions---"Why do you use so many semicolons? Why do many dashes?"
I will say something that I will later regret.
Personally, I think anal needs to pull the Chicago style book out of her ass and stop comparing everything she teaches in her classes to the difficulty of the things that she is doing to get her doctorate...or whatever she's STILL in school for. (preposition, it doesn't even need to be said) When a student raises their hand to question the difficulty of something or the length of something, she fires back with a, "Well that's nothing. You should see what I have to do for my classes. Do you know where I'll be spring break, while you're all at the beach? The library."
You know what I say? I don't care. It's not about you, actually. It's about your class. What goes on with your professors and with your papers...well that's none of my concern. I don't care. Don't try to validate what you are doing by saying, What I'm doing it much harder, so I know that humans are physically capable of handling this much work. Yeah, I don't care. Your demands as compared to what the demands should be for this class do not match up. The demands placed on your as a student in the graduate program or whatever it is you are doing, are very different from the demands of an undergraduate student. And the final bottom line that it seems every professor, at some point, always forgets: Your class is not the only one that all of your students are taking. Some of us have just as much shit going on as you do, some have more. We would appreciate slack, sometimes. Not to the point where we are spoiled and worthless--but we are not in the same position that you are--and hearing about how hard your life is and how grateful I should be...doesn't make me sympathetic.
You seem to be a nice enough lady. But I'm sorry. You're super anal...anal to the point of you being inducted into my honors society of least favorite professors. And I'm pleased to say...it wasn't even close this year! You made it in by miles! So congratulations. |
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| Dizzy... |
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| 07:47pm 26/02/2008 |
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mood:  contemplative
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Listening to Jimmy Eat World and ignoring the screenplays in front of me. New Jimmy Eat World song--at least for me. I found it thanks to a very old very who didn't enough know that they were introducing me to it--but you know how you can know about a song the second you hear the very beginning of it? Yeah, I felt it with this one and went ahead and downloaded it. I'd forgotten how much I liked them. I might just have to buy the cd. Reading over this old friend's information I realized that we could be great friends now--although we have lost touch to the point of things being pretty irreplaceable. Not to be grim--its just that our friendship existed in snapshots between middle and high school. And I'm not even sure if she's still in the state anymore. Oh well--it just made me wonder about the way things could work out and the people that you could know. The people who have changed and the people who have moved on and all that. Do you mind if I speak in fragments?
No one comes around here anymore, and neither do I unless I find myself in a moment of confused inspiration. And here I am, writing with this song fueling my fingers.
I don't really know how I feel, but I know I feel something.
I am avoiding the clutter of my room, and the unpacked suitcases. I am not looking at the laundry that needs to be done. I am distracted. I am hanging out in the moment. I'll clear the six water bottles off my desk and dump them later. But probably not today.
You know, Jimmy Eat World used to be the stuff that I existed in--like freshman year running around with that cd booming in the ipod. Then in highschool, booming in chi chi as we sped back from Diplomat to the danceroom for the game that night...and the man in the car dealership parking lot that could obviously hear our song and started dancing along with us.
These were good times and there will be more. I feel very conflicted though. But at the same time, strangely okay. Who knows what happens next? I'm getting sick of trying to figure it out. I'm getting sick of trying to shift the way things are being laid out.
I decided that March is going to be JOB HUNT MONTH. That means I'm cleaning up profiles and deleting pictures. I'm gonna be an adult--oh yeah. I'm trying to make some changes for myself in the upcoming months--so maybe that's why I plan on hanging out in sweatpants and a cluttered room up until then. A little more time to procrastinate what's coming.
I feel a little better about the whole job thing though. Even if I can't find something broadcasting off the bat, I may have some connections that could get me a job in PR somewhere in Orlando. I hear that it is very nice there--with all sorts of new thing, and several beaches just an hour away. I could see that working for me--and I actually got a little bit excited about it. And it would only be a ten hour drive home--should I ever really need to just get in the car and have a moment back at Polo Trace. But that is no definite of course.
But I'm also getting a little tired of asking for permission to do things with my life. I understand the idea of compromise. The idea of it--sure. But the desire to actually do it--well, I'm just not finding that within me just yet. Maybe that's the bottom line of wanting to try new things and not wanting to try new things. Maybe I'd hate it. Maybe I'd love it. I'm just a little tired of routine and a little tired of the everyday. I want to be good at something--I want to make some money--I want to get to a place of establishment...I want to be happy.
Now if anyone had a map as to how you get to the land of "successful and happy adulthood" I would gladly buy it. That's where all this stuff gets scary, wondering how long the process will be--and if you will ever make it to the grand place of DESTINY! Though, I don't think I actually believe in destiny. I believe in hard work. I'm a cynic, but I want to believe in the American Dream. I believe that if I work as hard as I can, I can reach my potential.
And I'm really wanting to have the opportunity to work really hard.
I had a shaky experience the other night, and some parts of me still feel mixed up about the whole thing. Another part of me wonders if this has revealed something to me that should help me--or at least help me to figure out what I'm doing, where I am, what I really want. |
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| 11:15pm 05/08/2007 |
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mood:  complacent
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Its another night in summer where I haven't washed my hair and had too many cups of hot chocolate. I watched four episodes of Sex and the City with my mom that I rented from Blockbuster on the way to the grocery store this afternoon. In a way, it was my back-up because I knew how other plans had started to fall through with a frightening regularity. In another way, it was an impulse I had to give in to, because I had a magic experience today. I went to the Wright Center at Samford and watched a ballet icon perform. Mikhail Baryshnikov was free today. It was one of those experiences where its so spontaneous but it falls together perfectly. One of those times when it is so rare that things ever go perfectly, that it feels charmed and necessary that this happened to you. Our seats should have gone for about $67. In fact, we shouldn't have been able to buy tickets at the door, or by credit card...nor should we have been able to arrive 15 minutes before show time and actually be able to purchase tickets. But we did, and everything just moved along fluidly.
And now, just as smoothly as my day and my hot chocolate sank away, I'm fighting off sleep and the end of summer. Tomorrow my mom goes back to school, which leaves me alone for long portions of the day. In a way, I'm looking forward to it. I've convinced myself that this is a time to get myself back on track--go back to the gym, eat better, get the work done that I've been procrastinating...because now, why not? But at the same time, I've been putting these things off all summer, and I'm not sure if I completely understand all of the reasons.
For one thing, going back to ABC 33/40 to get my evaluation. I tell myself the biggest reason that I don't want to go back is because I have yet to find that very necessary evaluation form. The one that Pam signed. Maybe I'm also a little afraid that now, they won't even remember me--let alone be able to accurately evaluate me. And I had thought on the day that I left that I would be back the next week. And I haven't been back. And I told them that I would be...but I haven't gone back. I need that form, and that has become my excuse. Pointless to go back until I can dig it out of all the other responsibilities I have to complete in the next two weeks. That form has probably been thrown away by someone who was trying to help me. I never throw anything away--and it is probably a huge downfall...but I will run things into the ground. I will use it until it has no use to anyone. Its everybody else that seems to want to throw away the shoes that are missing the cap on the heel. But wherever that form may be, and whatever half-hearted search I have conducted on its behalf, I have been unsuccessful.
The next thing on my agenda has been my planning for University Programs.
I received a call sometime around my birthday from Heather, who reminded me of my frustrations with the program that the summer had allowed me to misplace. It seems that the older members of our directors board would prefer that I act as a puppet, rather than allow me creative freedom. They made me Creations Director, but they continually push their ideas at me for a late night programing that I honestly don't even believe in myself. And that makes things difficult. I don't care for our adviser, who only cares to speak to us through other people and who seems to indulge in frequent miscommunications. And then we have to come in for Saturday morning chewout sessions. The other directors say that I'm the most diplomatic of the bunch. Its not that. I've just kept my pissed off side better in check than some of them. But the thing is, I had forgotten how annoyed I was that my advisers started to suggest every move I HAD to make. "You can combine the novelties and creations budget since we don't have a novelties director anymore." "You can't combine the budgets! You have to plan separate events for each!" "We want a novelty by next week, pick something. Pick anything." "We don't like what you picked, pick again." "We still don't like what you picked, pick again." "You know, we still think we should do something different. We think we'll use your budget for bumpercars, or whatever."
And I'm thinking...bumpercars? Who at the University of Alabama is going to, in between classes, wait in line for FOUR bumpercars? It didn't go through, that whole ordeal. People thought they knew a lot more about everything than me and stifled my ideas before I could explain or research enough to convince anyone. And that was VERY frustrating.
And as I was saying, this summer I got a call that set me off again, a bit. The whole plan discussed before the end of the school year vanished. The entire welcome back week took a new course, where as before we each had planned events, now we were all following along with one. And while as I had planned an event--a dive-in movie, the workings of it were completely thrown off. Especially with the whole novelties isn't your budget, and I was thrown into a period of wait and see. And what I need to do is go up to the school and SEE if they have finally told me what I can do, what I'm allowed to use, or whatever...when I could do it, if they would allow it. But I've kind of been putting all of that off too. Maybe its that I'm not sure if I'm cut out for all of that. Maybe its that I am somehow feeling burnt out before the school year begins. How can I possibly already feel some stress?
I also have phone calls I need to make. I have seven voice mails that I have been putting off listening to. One is from the school, and whether from VUA or UP, I don't know. But I've been putting them all off. But tomorrow, I'm going to have to start doing something.
And I guess after tomorrow, I won't stop doing something. Wouldn't it be nice to just fast forward to where everything just works? And where everything has a schedule, but there is still time for adventure. I wonder how long and screwed up the path will be to get there. |
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| ee cummings...mmmhmmm |
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| 12:37am 05/03/2007 |
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Thy fingers make early flowers of
all things.
thy hair mostly the hours love:
a smoothness which
sings,saying
(though love be a day)
do not fear,we will go amaying.
thy whitest feet crisply are straying.
Always
thy moist eyes are at kisses playing,
whose strangeness much
says;singing
(though love be a day)
for which girl art thou flowers bringing?
To be thy lips is a sweet thing
and small.
Death, Thee i call rich beyond wishing
if this thou catch,
else missing.
(though love be a day
and life be nothing, it shall not stop kissing).
Writing a paper on ee cummings. Pretending to write a paper on ee cummings. Some people don't like him. Like the boy who sits in front of me--chubby, with curly brown hair, always wearing a pastel polo, raises one finger when asking questions or making suggestions as though he could not bother the waste of raising anything more. Arrogant as all hell, and obviously freshman. Saw him riding a bike around campus in his purple polo. Wanted to raise one finger in his direction. Not quite understanding the desire. Don't mess with ee cummings, maybe. I personally find him to be much more talented than you, curly haired finger-boy.
Had a delicious weekend, and thrilled to have made it to that point. This semester is a killer queen gunpowder gelatine, Dynamite with a lazer beam, guaranteed to blow your mind (anytime). This week should be better, work load-wise. Office hours start tomorrow and I'm nervous somehow. Thrilled for spring break. Especially for the break part.
And sometimes I just want to scoop up everybody. And I mean everybody that's every meant something to me and lock them all up in some cabin somewhere and keep them from going anywhere for just a second. Cause I'm pretty sure there are a lot of people who are already gone, and it'd be nice to have the final fling (which I secretly hope could lead to the rebirth of other things). And by that, I guess I mean, lets pull a Peter Pan-syndrome and stop growing up for a couple of hours. Or days. Or whatever. Let's stop thinking about careers and rings and tests and payments and everything and start thinking about playing capture the flag on the Wald Park playground and taking random trips at random hours to random places.
Life is great. And I'm loving these moments right now.
But its weird to think we're where we are and wonder if we could ever revisit where we were. The highlights, I mean. And with all of the good things that are currently in our lives and all of the valuable knowledge that we have attained, just revisit a little bit.
This is the nostalgia of a person who feels like college is coming to an end really soon and the real world is coming up really fast. And not that its a bad thing or that its not exciting, but I guess I can't be a successful journalist or whatever is in the future and still be hanging out at Wald park.
Not that I've been to Wald park since that picture that I have in my album at Meredith Collins's house where we are all dressed in black and trying to look tough.
I am writing a paper about ee cummings now. And seriously looking forward to this time one week from now. Because I will NOT be writing a paper about ee cummings then. Even though I do love him, and would gladly defend him against curly-haired polo wearers even on my spring break.
hm. |
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| There is...the white star....of twilight....and the sky's clearer at days end. |
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| 11:08pm 02/05/2006 |
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mood:  lethargic
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Male choral. 7th grade? Was that right? That song is beautiful. Wish I could still find the tape of that performance. I suppose this sort of thing always happens as you are coming near the end. You start remembering all sorts of stuff. The end of another year. The end of another chapter. Cause this time, its time to get serious--or so they say.
I'm about to be a junior in college. And I know that everyone is having these same kinds of thoughts. How come college years seem to go by light-years faster than high school years? At one time, things didn't move so quickly. The days are long, but the years are short.
It came to me one day--amidst all of the indecision and the waiting around to see what was going to happen. Its about time to figure out what path I'm going to attempt to follow. And I decided that maybe the one that I was currently on, wasn't so bad. An english minor surfaced from somewhere. An english honors? Maybe a dance minor if I can work out something with those technique classes that I have NOT been taking. And a TCF major. I guess it was around registration time that I realized I couldn't continue to play with generalized classes. Core work is--for the most part--behind me, and every other class would be a waste. Time to get....serious?
But this isn't particularly one of those heavy and deep-thought posts. I haven't posted in so long. And certainly not anything of significance. And this is no stretch from that. But its the end of the year.
I spent the entire day in front of the computer. I'm attempting to humor my keyboard a little more. There are still e-mails to be written. There's a lot of laundry to be washed. My room's a wreck, but I'm planning on giving it a make-over before I allow myself to hit the sack tonight.
I baked bread pudding today. I bought a cook book and made myself a domestic lady. I've cooked all sorts of things...or three things...but things that I otherwise never would have made. Two of which, have been pretty successful. One of which is questionable and will probably find its way to the disposal when I come out of this lazy funk.
My computer-love-affair today is linked to my last minute search for an internship. Its time to get serious, now, kids. But I want to have fun...with my seriousness. I'm never going to be completely serious--I hope. So I'm trying to mix business and pleasure.
I'm in the midst of a 20-25 page paper for J. Wood. I've been reading Cosmos all day. I'm beginning to realize that every cosmo article is practically the same as that which was in the previous cosmo. Cosmo attempts to teach women about men and about sex...and in reality, probably complicates things more than helps. Its exhausting when swallowed in such large doses...Cosmo suggests that they have decoded a "Guy's secret language" and give you insight into "What he says, and what he really means". At first, this is fascinating and inspires hope--finally...I, TOO, can understand the secret language of the male. But as you continue to flip through the pages of six consecutive cosmos, it seems to get repetitive. The underlying theme being: women wrote this magazine...and while as they may have more personal experience than some...they really don't know much more than you.
Of course, this actually helps strengthen my paper. As soon as I figure out my thesis.
This semester has been very good. The classes which I assumed were going to kill me have been challenging, but not quite as consuming as I had expected. Except for, perhaps, Spanish. I'll be very glad to put that behind me. Outside of classes, life in general has been very bright and the future looks promising. I'm very grateful. Aside from the occasional snare, I can find little to complain about in any aspect of my day-to-day. And I hope the same goes for all of you.
Its crazy where we've gone and where we've come from, huh? Did you ever expect to find yourself here? Or there? Or whatever?
Mmm...good things are in store for the future. |
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| lay lady lay...lay across my big brass bed... |
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| 08:14pm 28/02/2006 |
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mood:  dorky
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So it looked as though tonight were going to be a complete bust. Nothing much going down other than me and my spanish book--with whom I am already VERY well aquainted. But then my phone rang and one of my friends introduced me to a fantastic new game...
Now, I fully realize that I should be doing work now, and yes, I do plan on returning to it...but here is how you play:
Go to google. Type in "your name looks like" and then search. Now, not the your name part--on that part you actually should type in your own name. Say your name is Maxwell. You would type in "Maxwell looks like"
Easy.
And then you just read exactly what you are...
Here are a few of my personal favorites...
*Kim Looks Like A Gremlin
*Kim looks like an adult-sized Cupid of an indiscernible gender and walks like a tree with no roots.
*Kim looks like a drag queen in her new photo!
*Kim looks like hot fried ass...
*Kim looks like an old diva who wants to get back in a rather sad way.
*Kim looks like an escapee from "Gremlins" who decided to bag the kiddie movies and make a run for porn
*Kim looks like singer/songwriter John Mayer.
*Kim looks like a trailer park version of Paris Hilton.
*Kim looks like a princess!! She has beautiful red hair and it's swept up, too, and done in a cascade of curls.
*kim looks like the dark lord in the picture below!!!!
*Kim looks like a Hedgehog, but with her traditional hair.
*Kim looks like Pam Anderson now with the same lips and hair and now she's trying to look white. They both were prettier before
*Kim looks like a cute boy and that's ok but she has a very strange body.
I laughed. Back to work. |
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| 02:31pm 16/02/2006 |
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i don't really know what to say--i just feel like it should be acknowledged...
I am so lucky.
I am so grateful.
I love you so much. |
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| Oooh! Traffic jam--got more cars than a beach got sand.... |
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| 08:09am 07/02/2006 |
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mood:  disappointed
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Well...here it is at...7:49 in the am, and I am up writing a paper. Well...no, not exactly. I'm up writing three papers that I meant to write last night...after my nap. Its been awhile since I just blatantly turned my alarm off at some point during the night. I used to do that on my alarm clock at home all the time, but now that I use my phone I haven't had nearly as much of a problem with it. I picked a bad day to turn it off too. I suppose that's the nature of my post today, since its been such a long time since I found my way back to this thing. I've been keeping tabs on my life mostly in small segments in a journal that my brother proudly presented me with this christmas. But its strange writing in a new journal when I had my old one for the past...2 1/2 years? I guess that's about right. I just need to break the new one in a bit more.
Anyway, the reason that this day was a particularly bad one to catch some extra z's on was due to the fact that today was going to be my first day working the 6am to 7am shift at New Rock 90.7. That's right children, I'm a DJ. Now, that's a frightening thought, in a way, but at the same time, I'm pretty excited about it too. It should be good experience for a resume (should I ever have to broadcast the news over the air) and its a fun opportunity to share one of my biggest passions, music, with the Tuscaloosa area.
Long story short, I'm really pretty disappointed in myself that I slept through my first day. I turned on the radio as soon as I woke up to make sure that there was no dead air, and luckily someone had kept a playlist uploaded in the system, or something. But its not a good way to start off. Hopefully I'll be able to get in there next week and make up for lost time/experience.
So. Why am I DJing now? It was maybe two weeks ago that I had just finished up with my classes for the day. On Tuesdays and Thursdays my schedule is pretty much useless. I have one class on Tuesdays at 9:30 (what I am currently writing my papers for) and then that same class and a biology lab on Thursdays. Thus, the day ends pretty fast, especially when you wake up that early to start it, and I return to the condo...and...yeah, that's about it.
I was feeling realitively worthless one day, perhaps due to the fact that thus far in the semester all I had done after these shorter days of class was come home and turn on the tv or go back to sleep or read something. Now while as I am a BIG supporter of all of these activities, I felt as though I was spending all of my time in a pretty isolated spot doing nothing really worthwhile. So I got online and started looking up e-mail addresses for various organizations. I e-mailed so many people that day, same basic message, Hi...found your site...really interested in volunteering...if you have anymore information...
And I got back a few too many replies. I went to Get On Board day as well and browsed around until I found a few organizations that looked like they might prove to be interesting.
Thus, I'm now working a bit with the radio station, Big Brothers Big Sisters, and A Time to Dance with Dance Alabama.
I'm pretty excited about all of it, and I have high hopes that it will all work out. Now I feel that I am participating in some very worthwhile things, while as still having some free time and some down time.
Everything seems to be going along pretty well right now.
Course load this semester was suppose to be extremely difficult. So far I've been doing pretty okay. No tests yet, so I guess that time will tell. I'm taking spanish and I'm finally feeling like I'm getting back into the groove of it. Things are beginning to look a little more familiar. That's my most demanding class. We have homework in there every night, and my syllabus suggests spending 2-3 hours on this work. Ha ha, oh syllabus.
Long story short, this semester is going along very well at the time. I am happy to be involved in these new organizations and still have the opportunity to do the things that I enjoy doing on the side.
Agh. 8:00 now...I need to finish this paper and get to class.
More to say, but no time to say it.
10 bonus points to anyone which song I have stuck in my head...the subject should be a hint. |
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| 11:02pm 10/01/2006 |
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mood:  loved
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Had an amazing holiday. I already tried to capture it with words. Deleted that. Then I went back and made a list of things I did. Deleted that too.
Can't justify it with words.
It was just absolutely great.
And I am so grateful for every experience that I had this break and all of the people that I spent it with.
I keep thinking back to one moment that should have been incredibly awkward that was just so strangely comfortable for me...and I looked at that situation and thought to myself, I love this. Who else could I do this with? Nobody.
And some of the memories that were made over this break I will never forget. SKDHH...
Back in tuscaloosa now.
Back to the books tomorrow.
I think this year is going to be a good one. 2006.
I've got some seriously high hopes.
Love. |
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| oh hells bells... |
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| 07:05pm 05/12/2005 |
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mood: nostalgic
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 Dear Santa...
Dear Santa,
This year I've been busy!
In May I ruled Canada as a cruel and heartless dictator (-700 points). Last Tuesday I gave ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=91.6) bohemian11 a wet willie, then I took it back (-5 points). Last Sunday I bought porn for quinta_feira (-10 points). Last week I pulled over and changed britain716's flat tire (15 points). In September I gave spotaface a life-saving blood transfusion (50 points).
Overall, I've been naughty (-650 points). For Christmas I deserve a moldy sandwich!
Sincerely,
azz |
I love it that I ruled as a heartless dictator. that's so like me.
In other news, its dead week, and I feel kinda dead. I've felt relatively low since Friday, but I was under the assumption that I had been struck down with another annoying cold. Last night it just got to be a little too much so I took my temperature and as it turns out and I had a fever of 103. Went to the doc today and they drew blood from my arm and I definitely passed out. I hate needles so much. Worst fear ever since I was really little. Anyway, I have an "upper respiratory bacterial infection". Really I don't feel that sick, but its made me really groggy. Or maybe that's the meds. I don't know.
When I came in there the lady said something along the line that I had been 'burning the candle at both ends'. My body and I both were pretty much doing everything we could to screw me over from stress, to the "crimson tide", to a considerable lack of rest (thanks early on to the polysci test I was rocked by on Friday), and then not eating. that's enough griping, though.
Because the last day of exams is going to be the 16th--if I even have to be here THAT late in the week.
And then christmas begins...and I love christmas so much. |
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| I'll put a spell on you...you'll fall asleep and I'll put a spell on you...and when I wake you... |
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| 11:48am 27/11/2005 |
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mood:  hungry
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It has been such a long time since a real update that actually has some significance to it. Not to say that knowing all about my friends sexual histories via online quiz is not significant. Thanks to all who actually responded. I never knew my fingernails were so incredibly sexy...and yes, Meredith, I do remember that time...uh huh. Homie don't play that.
Anyway...so much has happened of late. I don't know how much of the detail I want to go into...because I could probably write a short novel covering the last couple of weeks.
Halloween came and passed. It was really pretty uneventful, but still enjoyable. The best part of the night was watching Army of Darkness (which was the only one of the Evil Dead movies I had yet to see.) I dressed up because I had to go to a sorority party--but I was really pleased because my costume was less than $5. Power-shopping on the day of halloween pays off when it comes to discounts.
Probably one of the most excellent things about the past few weeks has been Alabama football. Now I know that LSU and Auburn were both very disappointing games, but really, the season was a very good and exciting one and I am looking forward to seeing what our team is going to be capable of next year.
We went to the LSU game, seeing as how it was at home. We snuck the 'los into the student section again, but this time nearly had a serious problem with getting him over there. I was watching from the steps the whole time as the guy at the gate shook his head. Luckily, somehow he made it across and thanks to King we were able to find seats very short notice. Extreme thanks going out to everybody who shoved over to make room for us. The game was ridiculously exciting--but what I want to know...the team that played in the first half, yeah that team that was beating LSU when we went into the tunnel? Yeah...where did THEY go? Because as I see it...they just left completely and decided to stay away for Auburn too. The game all came down to a very stressful overtime. There wasn't much room where we were standing, so Carlos and I had our arms wrapped around each other and we were both just screaming and shaking our shakers during the third down. I was so sure that nothing would happen. Not at least until the fourth down, when I was also sure that LSU would have to kick a field goal, thus sending the game into another round of overtime. But then out of nowhere, a pass was caught and the game was over. It felt like all of my energy just drained out through my feet and I was about to collapse on the bleachers. It was so surreal. All of the Alabama fans just slowly started to stream out of the stadium, and I think most of us were just confused and tired.
From that point on, UA students began doubting the outcome of the Auburn game.
ABK and I drove down to Auburn around ten on Friday to meet up with our favorite Auburn posse. We took separate cars, so I spent the majority of the drive rediscovering old cds that I have been neglecting for awhile. I'm in a bit of a slump where all of my music is getting kind of old, so finding all of the old stuff was nice.
When we arrived in Auburn we parked at the dorm where Dlowe is an RA and Meredith lives with her sorority. Dlowe had class so we headed to Momma G's with Meredith. Lunch was lovely and then we headed back to the dorm where we sat around and just chatted for awhile. Meredith left to go see a movie so ABK and I headed up to Dlowe's room, from which we eventually made a freakin' journey (cause it was a ways away) to several Auburn bookstores so that he could buy a blue shirt. Those stores were so smothering, but I have to admit that Toomer's Corner and that part of town looked really pleasant because of all of the Christmas decorations.
We returned to the dorm and met up with Meredith Hart and several other people for dinner at Logans. From Logans we went to Philip's trailer where we stayed for quite awhile. There were so many people over there at one point, but I was so tired that I kept nearly dozing off in the armchair that I was sharing with three other girls. After leaving there Dlowe and I ended up sitting out in the hall talking for a few hours. He had to leave to attend to a drunken and abandoned Ross Kinder so Meredith and I chatted for awhile and then I just crashed. I woke up early the next morning and headed back to B'ham to view the game at the Conte residence.
I gotta say, that was a VERY good decision, particularly after a loss like the one that we suffered. But despite the loss, we still managed to have a great evening. We even cooked some authentic cajun cuizine.
And now lets skip ahead a bit...Thanksgiving break was this past week. I spent a majority of the break working at one place or another. So its been pretty exhausting for a 'break'. Victoria's Secret is the place that I've actually been employed. I would say that I hated it, but then last night kind of changed my mind. When things were slower and I actually had some time to goof off with some of the employees we had a really good time. The night after thanksgiving was absolutely awful though. I don't think I will ever work that again. I only had one pair of black shoes with me that night, so I had to wear some very high heels, which was a huge mistake. My feet were hurting to bad that I felt like I was going to throw up. Its my own fault, though. Thanksgiving itself was nice. It felt somewhat short compared to what Thanksgiving usually is, and I'm not sure why, but it was nice all the same. I brought the 'los along with me considering his family was out of the country. We dined and then went back to my house and crashed for a few hours before leaving to go to the mall to work on the kiosk. There was a lot to be done on that thing, but when it was finished it looked really fantastic. I was really proud of him for all of the hard work that went into it. It turned out so well and there was something very satisfying seeing all of those people walking up and browsing the merchandise. I wouldn't be surprised if some people had never had access to this sort of thing--especially if they had never made their way over to Brookwood. It was probably a good idea to start the store off as a kiosk, because this way, thousands of people could at least walk past it and see what it had to offer rather than having to actually go inside a store. Anyway, the kiosk did very well on black friday, so that was very good news. I came up to kiosk and worked in it for a little while that night so that some very exhausted salespeople could venture over to Moe's for some food.
And then this week I've also gotten to see several of my friends. Whether it be drinking coffee or eating somewhere or shooting a potatoe gun in the Met parking lot, we've managed to make up for some lost time.
My house is...beginning to look a lot like Christmas...
I'm excited for that holiday season. I love this time of year and what it does to people. Everyone just seems more cheerful and tradition is just oozing out of every thing. Even Tuscaloosa has been decked out in Christmas lights. The only hurdle between then and now will be finals...and those will be challenging. I'm fairly certain that most of mine are cumulative. For real...if I've already been tested on it...why are you testing me again? But once those are out of the way, good times shall return.
I'm also trying to decide now when I want to head back to t-town. There's a meeting at the Vic tonight in which I could get a bra for ten dollars that would normally cost me much more...and it would be a good opportunity to tell that guy who makes out the schedule that I can't work at all this week, like I told him last week. And wow. Was that only a week ago? For some reason it feels like time has been moving very slowly lately. But I really don't want to go into that store again. Not for awhile at least.
I suppose we'll see.
It also kind of depends on what Anna Beth is doing. Because I'm not sure if I'm feeling chilling in T-town by myself this evening.
One tidbit of new music that found its way to my heart via ABK is aqualung. This is the music of wintertime. Have a listen if you get the chance.
"I'll put a spell on you...you'll fall asleep and I'll put a spell on you...and when I wake you, I'll be the first thing you see..and you'll realize that you...love...me..." |
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| Wasted words on LoWeR CAseS and CApitALs.... |
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| 09:59am 20/10/2005 |
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mood: chipper
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Ladies and Gentlemen.
It is OCTOBER.
And I'm lovin' it.
I had forgotten how much I enjoy Autumn. You know those quizzes or those personality tests or whatever that say what kind of person you are? Yeah, like Oh, I'm a spring-person because I'm sunny and bouncy, or I'm a winter person because I am calm like the freshly fallen snow...
Well...when asked, I may have originally told you, Yeah, I'm a spring person I guess...cause its that great time of the year when its just starting to get warm, but its still that nice cool weather where you can wear a hoody at night, and the days are really clear--you know--those BLUE SKY days. Yeah, and you can always hear windchimes or a train in the distance (its not really that time of year unless you can hear those things. Sorry if you don't live near train tracks. You best be buying some windchimes if you ever want to see early spring again...) Yeah, now that is a nice time of year...
Buuut...then you've got autumn...in which its kind of the same thing, only moving in reverse...or maybe..forward, depending on how you're looking at it...
But not only is the weather absolutely delicious, but the scenery is solid perfection. All of the trees leaves are changing color and they are just swirling around all over the place...oooh, and there are pumpkins and pumpkin patches...
I love halloween.
I love all of the things that make this time of the year special.
This didn't all hit me until I was watching the Ole Miss/Alabama game over the weekend.
When its autumn we get football and halloween and awesome weather.
And carnivals...
October 22-31? Ummm...yeah.
Oh, and haunted houses...and little kids in costumes...
And me in a gorilla costume! Oh mama.
We'll see I guess.
I don't know, my mood right now is just so light.
I'm so looking forward to everything that is coming in the near future. This really is a wonderful time of year and there are so many good things ahead.
I know its early to be thinking about it...but Thanksgiving and Christmas are going to be absolutely crazy.
I love holidays...
But I don't love astronomy class....which I have to go to. Now. |
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| 04:13am 02/10/2005 |
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Sweet Aunt Jemima, what a game. |
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| steady as we go... |
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| 11:49pm 28/09/2005 |
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Baby, it's alright
Stop your crying
Now
Nothing is here to stay
Everything has to begin and end
A ship in a bottle won't sail
All we can do is dream that the wind will blow us across the water
A ship in a bottle set sail
Baby, it's alright
Stop your crying, now
There was a weakling man
Who dreamed he was strong as a hurricane
A ship in a bottle set sail
He took a deep breath and blew across the world
He watched everything crumble
Woke up a weakling again
Some might tell you there's no hope in hand
Just because they feel hopeless
But you don't have to be a thing like that
You be a ship in a bottle set sail
Baby, it's alright
Stop your crying, now
It's alright
So stop your crying, now
Be a ship in a bottle set sail |
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